Grace in a Little Furry Ball

Speaking of cats as spirits, one of the many gifts I got from my friend Jase was meeting and getting to know his sister, Jan. Jan is a very special human being. She is also a lover of animals. Not long after Jase passed, a little black and white kitty showed up in her yard. One single kitty. A gift... from Jase.

I had the pleasure of meeting this lovely little being. And so happy that it brought pleasure and love to Jan who was hurting immensely. I hope to get more photos of Kayley.

Mia, Not a Cat, Passing

I have not written here in quite a while because there has been much to deal with. I cannot go forward without first noting the passing of my true and faithful companion. Knowing when to let your pet go is one of the hardest things in life to deal with (IMHO). We know that the quality of our pet's life is in our hands, but to realize that their living and dying is in your hands can be a bit overwhelming. When is the right time? Am I keeping him/her for their quality of life or for me?

Mia was a very special creature and her passing was also very special. When I could see the bone cancer advancing--the swelling in her leg increasing, not wanting to spend time outside, not eating much, I pretty much knew, but one vet was suggesting amputation and while another said absolutely not. It's very hard when you're so close to see things clearly. I considered the fact that she was 14, that she had arthritis and spondylosis. She lost continence and we controlled it with meds, but she would lose it now and then and I could see this was very upsetting to her. Mia had been through so many life changes with me--divorce, two moves, nursing home visits to see my dad suffering with Alzheimers. It felt like losing her was losing her companionship and a connecting link to my past. I did not want her to go.

Once, during this time, we were walking down the street, and we passed a neighbor who I knew that Mia did not trust (he is dealing with drug issues). She nudged my knee with her nose  like she was saying "See I need to be here to protect you." I remembered a time when we were living in the West Village and she had dire-rear late at night. I took her out and as we got half a block from the apt I noticed a man behind us with a very scary look on his face--like Silence of the Lambs. Mia saw him in an instant and began barking--she has a very deep and threatening bark which I sometimes found annoying because she would scare people at times unnecessarily, but that night was extremely thankful for this deep and solid warning. There were also men that I dated that she did not like--she was always right.

The deciding moment came when I accepted that amputation was not a consideration and Mia was not enjoying going outside. She was in increasing pain that I could not manage. I called that Vet who suggested looking into amputation and said that because I thought she would not be able to get through this surgery and adapt i would have to let her go. Without hesitation she said, "I agree." My heart sank but I knew that it was time to end her suffering. I arranged for another Vet to come to the house. The day he was to come there was a terrible thunder storm. Extremely heavy downpour for much of the day and thunder and lightening. In her later years Mia shook during these storms. I was very upset that this had to be happening on her last day here. The Vet was at least an hour late which was both good and bad. It gave me a bit more time with my Mia--every moment was precious. This day I could tell she was really hurting, so I was also hoping he would hurry up. She looked weaker than she had ever looked, which also gave me a little relief and confidence that I made the right decision. I stroked her and told her she was the best dog ever and that she was going to get to see her best friend Bonnie and Dad and all her buddies that had passed before her. My sister came and my friend who lives across the street who used to walk with us and we prayed and listened to a spiritual song. When the vet arrived things happened very quickly except that Mia did not like this vet and when he went to shave her leg she growled very viciously at him and then went out to pee--the first time she had gotten up since the morning (it was now 6PM). My mind started spinning, "no", I thought, "I can't do this now, it's not the right time!!" But he was there, we had it decided, she was very sick. ARRGHHH, why did this have to be so complicated?! Mia went to the front yard and left her last mark. I was happy that she had that statement. She came back in and settled. The last shot was administered and as she left, the clouds passed and sun came streaming in the windows. it as instantaneous. I sobbed unselfconsciously, surprising myself at the pain of the loss. Thank you God, I thought, through the pain and sadness, for that sun sign.

The day after she passed i had to teach in a music conference which I had been very much looking forward to, except that day I was aching with the loss of was Mia. As I was listening to the opening speaker, I had this vision of Mia--the young and frolicking Mia, racing around, panting happily. Go, Mia, run free and happy. I will join you one day and when that day comes i will not be sad to leave this earth, because of the love that I have awaiting me.

I was later told by an animal communicator who was highly recommended, that this was indeed her time and that this was her last time on earth and now she would be helping from the next world. Whether it is true or not, I like it, it feels right. I can imagine that Mia still does not trust that I will be safe on my own and she will take breaks from her heavenly romps to check on me from time to time.

Endings and Beginnings

It's  Friday night. Fridays were for Jase. My heart is heavy with the loss of Jase, who started this blog for me. He was a gentle, brave, funny, inventive and complex human being; A good friend.

Aroo was his feline and I see now that he showed Jase the way by leaving first. I'm sure he was waiting there for Jase on the other side.

Why? Just after my father's death a friend from church shared that her heart had stopped during a cancer surgery and during the time they were trying to revive her she experienced such joy that she never been experienced since. She was in  beautiful place and met by her father and grandfather and other relatives who had passed on. Her dog and cat from childhood came bounding to meet her also. (she now rescues sick cats.) There have been studies done on these experiences. It has been documented that these kinds of experiences are not dreams, because there is no brain activity when the heart stops for a period of time. So my friend is released from his pain and suffering and led by the angels to a place of great joy. Now it is for us to wait til the time when we can join in the joy of eternity.

Meanwhile we are all stuck with our here and now. So I will write in my blog, though heavy hearted, to honor my friend.

My here and now involves a bunch of restless beings. I'm trying to unwind and write in the quiet, but this is not to be.

Mia (not a cat) is dealing with bone cancer. This is heartbreaking. She also is having to deal with Cuddles who has decided she wants Mia's bed. If you have ever tried to shoo a cat from a place they've decided is their nap space, you know what an impossible task this is. I tried several times this night and left the room only to return and find Cuddles in Mia's bed. Finally, Mia gave up and got into Cuddles bed. But it was really not fair. But then again life is so not fair.

Then I have to leave these two to let Scooter, the spraying cat in. I put him right into the kitchen, close the doors and give him some treats. Here Cuddles cannot intimidate Scooter out of his treats. He can eat in leisure and peace and quiet. Well. except for the thumping upstairs as Mr Whiskers gets into his nighttime Mr Hyde and starts pouncing on Patches. More unfairness. She is so sweet and docile. Patches just loves to play. Most of the day they get along. But something happens at night and he becomes a stalker, and very possessive.

I was thinking I might try and adopt Mr W out by himself because he is so possessive of me, pushing Ms Patches who is a little shier anyway, into the background. But one morning as I was going downstairs, I spied them on the futon--together.

I used to tell jase my cat stories. I confided that maybe I was not more actively pursuing homes for these guys because I was getting very attached. He said that I had to get them a home so that I could rescue others. I guess he's right.

I feel badly that I never brought any animals over for Jase to visit with, but for some reason or other the time was never right. Then I was afraid he would run one of them over cause he would go zooming around the apt with his motorized chair. I'm so, so sad tonight, I'm happy for Jase that he is released from his suffering. And I am comforted by the love of these furry beings.

God and all the saints and angels and your loved ones be with you. You will live forever in my heart.